Valentine's Day 2018

To think, my life, believe it or not has gotten worse. You guys know about what's been happening with me the last two months. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. About 3 1/2 years ago, I wrote in the blog about "Will Life Ever Break for Me?" which I posted below. And somehow it's gotten worse since then.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2014

Will my life ever break for me??

This is a question I ask constantly. I'm in a terrible rut and have been for seemingly ages. I mean I just cant find a way to be happy or feel good about myself. I mean its been a tough life, a tough go of it for years now. As you may or may not know, my grandparents started to take ill in the year 2000. My grandmother, who was 80 at the time had stomach cancer surgery. I think the surgery was only to be for a couple of hours but literally took all day. In 2001, in fact it was the first week college football was being played after 9/11, my grandfather collasped at the Yale/Cornell game. So, in essence,  my plate was full helping taking care of them. Taking care of my grandmother who made out of surgery and my grandfather who had quadrouple bypass surgery is a lot to take but I kept going.

In 2003, my grandmother had a case of Yellow Jaudice. In fact she was rushed to the hospital the day we toppled Saddam's statue in Iraq.  My grandfather died in 2006 and my grandmother died in 2010. Throughout those 10 years,  my life wasnt my own. You know I tried to do everything for them. I got there mail, there medication, helped them when they had doctor's appointments, threw there garbage out, went grocery shopping with them and lots more. I did what I had to do.

Now we fast forward to my grandmother's funeral in 2010, where I see my father. Up until that day, I hadnt seen my father in over 10 years. I dont know what happened but it was like he vanished off the face of the earth. There are reasons how it started but I wont get into that right now. Well, anyway, he shows up. Here I'm thinking that I'm going to have some sort of relationship with the guy and after about a year(?) of having communication with my mother and myself, he just disowns me again. I mean, in some circles, I guess you would call him a "deadbeat dad."  I dont know what I did to deserve being treated like that but it is what it is. I've phoned many times but get no response. Sent cards and whatnot but still nothing. Its like he wants nothing to do with me and frankly from a financial standpoint, I need his help, so right now, pardon my french, but it really sucks.  So basically, its really my mother and me.

Now for some of you who know, my mother has to have hip surgery. She had to postpone it because she had to go back to work and doesnt get paid for sick time. Right now, like I mentioned, I have no job or money. I'm just very disgusted with the way my life turned out.  I didnt think it would be this bad. I'd like to know if there will ever be an end in sight? I mean its just one thing after another. You know the old saying "when it rains, it pours," yeah, by this time, I'm pretty much drowning. I dont have a social life, per say, as I understand people have lives and responsiblites of there own. Believe me, I understand that. You have no idea how much I understand that.   There are days where its harder than others. I mean all you do is work to pay bills. Thats not a life, thats existing.  I just hope my life gets better sooner than later.

Fast forward to now. You guys know about my mom. But, tomorrow, it might be worse. As, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. It's just another day for me.  Do you know that I've never had a Valentine's Day date. I've never had a New Year's Eve date. I've never had a date, period. Never had a first kiss. I don't think I'm a great catch or anything. I've never had a social life. I was always taking care of my family and I think lots of times I just didn't feel like going anywhere. Do you blame me? Your in a rut, for a month, 2 months, 6 months, a year etc. how can you be motivated to do anything?  Now, I haven't really thought about Valentine's Day for obvious reasons as I'm worrying about how to pay the bills.  I get along with Women. But when it comes to dating or going out, they could do a lot better.  Something I have to do once I get settled is find me a woman or women. :) 

It's just when you add up everything from my grandparents, to my mom to now being lonely, it's just very tough and very frustrating. I know I never thought of myself as an adonis or anything but I never thought of myself as ugly but sometimes I feel that way. Facebook has the "On this Day" notifications and almost everyone from today, Feb. 13, said the same thing. Me being alone.  I think what really hurts sometimes is that I don't think a Woman has ever been interested in me.  As a friend? Yes. But as anything else? No. I mean being dateless for Valentine's Day hasn't really bothered me this year. How can it? What I've been thinking about has taken up all my  time. But, if you ask me if it bothers me, I will say yes. And, I appreciate it all the support I've received the past couple of months. And I appreciate the invites to hang out. And once all this over, we will hang out.  I just don't want to be a third wheel or a fifth wheel.  There also comes a time where its great to have friends but it would be nice to at least try to have a girlfriend. 

I guess the point of this  blog was to just say that I've been through a lot of stuff. Realizing now, that not only helping my grandparents and my mom then them passing away  and now this.  So, I ask the original question now just like I did in 2014. "Will Life Ever Break for Me?"

The Name Of This Blog Says It All!!!

I want to say that I'm very frustrated, nervous, sad, angry and overwhelmed. I really don't need this. As you know my mother died. I'm just trying to get by day by day. I mean I'm in that house that my grandmother and my mom were in and now there gone. I'm trying and trying doing the best I can. I spent The Holidays alone. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day and my personal Holiday, The Super Bowl, by myself. You know why I was alone as I was waiting for my father to call and then I called him but it was hit or miss. Well, anyway, I guess the point of this blog is to just vent.

I will watch my swearing but I am mad. I have to say the treatment I have received from "Services" to help me is a disgrace. Let's look at some examples. My mom wasn't dead 24 hrs. before The Pension was cut off. Actually, I did get her Pension for the following month but it was half than what she usually got. Now, like I have mentioned before, I was unemployed. I was taking care of my mom. Cooking meals, paying bills, going grocery shopping, helping her get up off the couch etc. All the things that the wonderful nurses do in Hospice, in The Hospital and in Rehab, I did that by myself for 6 years!!! Not, 6 days!!! Not 6 weeks!!! 6 years!!! Plus, the fact that, and I kid you not, from mid 1998 to she went until The Hospital on July 21 of last year, my mom and I were in the same roof EVERY NIGHT. In other words, whether it was on vacation, at my grandparents house, my grandparents townhouse or my home, every night under the same roof. She didn't go on vacation without me and vice versa, I didn't move into a dorm etc. Well, anyway, my mom was creamated. Why?  Because it cost an arm and a leg. THAT is a disgrace. Cementaries  are fleecing family members. Why? It's not bad enough to lose a family member? It's not bad enough having a Funeral, Wake and Calling Hours? That's not bad enough?

Then, what last week being called by Citizens Bank looking for My Mom and when I told her she died, they deactivate her Debit and ATM Cards. Forget, that she died. Forget, I need that money, you know to pay the bills.  I mean when I say that I'm her son and everything is in her name, you would think that I was a stranger.  It's a FREAKING disgrace!!! I keep hearing she should've put me on the account. When was I supposed to ask her? When she had tubes in her? When she could only eat through an IV? When she was so out of it after medication? When she had chemo? When she had Physical Therapy? You would think that some people thought we are on a vacation. 

Then, The Probate Court. You know I've been told so many Freaking things, maybe I should've done this earlier. But then I have to sign forms and whatnot and then hire a Lawyer with money I don't have. Now, with the exception of The EBT Card, every DAMN thing I have tried for has been a problem. Trying to get SAGA(Cash Assistance), Social Security, Social Security Income, etc. I mean trying to call 211, Social Services is a DISGRACE!! First, I didn't get all my paper work in on time. Why? Because I had questions and not one damn person could help you. And I'm not going to wait on hold for an hour. So, then, I scrimp and save to make copies of all the bills and send all the information and I was denied because I didn't get it in on time. So, then I call The Mortgage People and they don't tell me anything because I'm not on the account. I was, but not now. The Oil people were a little different. I told them my mom died and then they said you can't get anymore oil. So, I guess, if I freeze to death, you'll know why. 

Now, I'm trying to get The State ID Card. It cost 30 dollars which I don't have and get this PROOF of My Social Security Card. Well, I don't have a Social Security Card. Now, I have to get a Social Security Card. I mean hell, now I got to go to the local Social Security Office I believe, to fill out a Temporary Card. 

So, now, tomorrow is the big day. The Job Interview. I just hope I get it. But you know, in a way, even if I don't as mad as I'll be, at least they  thought of me. NOTHING is more demoralizing than trying to find a job, applying for a job and then you don't hear from them. I hope like hell my life changes. It's bad enough that I'm alone on Valentine's Day, My Birthday, New Year's Eve etc. But at least I had my mom. Now, I don't even have that. Forget a Driver's License. Who has money for that? 

So basically, in essence, I think everything stinks!! You know when you lose a parent or a friend, life shouldn't get ANY harder than it already is. I mean what happened to compassion? You know the people that have screwed me and not helped me, they are going to lose somebody and then they'll be in my position. Then, you know what? Let them live out in the freaking street. Better them than me, right?  The bottom line is that some of those same people eat Lobster Bisque and Lobster and some people eat Tuna Fish and Top Ramen to stay afloat. Why is that fair? Not only that, but it takes forever to get things done. Who has the time for that? I mean I can't wait months for Social Services, DMV etc. to give me an answer and I need it now!!

Believe it or not, as I wrap this up, I'm going to somewhat quote The Andy Griffith Show. Barney Fife said "Sometimes, when it comes to sheriffin', sometimes you have to go less by the book and more by the heart." I think most people should think that way. 

Now, Thank You for reading my blog. I just really had to vent and get some stuff off my chest. Thank You to my friends on Facebook, The506.com, Sitcoms Online, Aging Care, The American Cancer Society  and Daytime Confidential for being there for me during this hard time for me. YOU GUYS make it easier for me. I also appreciate all the kind words and encouragement that you've given me. It really helps me. 

As far as helping me, just keep being there. Just keep encouraging me.If I need any of you,  I'll know where to turn. I am humbled by all the kind words. You know what's funny? How is it that losing my mom WOULDN'T be the worse thing that happened to me?