WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2014
Will my life ever break for me??
This is a question I ask constantly. I'm in a terrible rut and have been for seemingly ages. I mean I just cant find a way to be happy or feel good about myself. I mean its been a tough life, a tough go of it for years now. As you may or may not know, my grandparents started to take ill in the year 2000. My grandmother, who was 80 at the time had stomach cancer surgery. I think the surgery was only to be for a couple of hours but literally took all day. In 2001, in fact it was the first week college football was being played after 9/11, my grandfather collasped at the Yale/Cornell game. So, in essence, my plate was full helping taking care of them. Taking care of my grandmother who made out of surgery and my grandfather who had quadrouple bypass surgery is a lot to take but I kept going.
In 2003, my grandmother had a case of Yellow Jaudice. In fact she was rushed to the hospital the day we toppled Saddam's statue in Iraq. My grandfather died in 2006 and my grandmother died in 2010. Throughout those 10 years, my life wasnt my own. You know I tried to do everything for them. I got there mail, there medication, helped them when they had doctor's appointments, threw there garbage out, went grocery shopping with them and lots more. I did what I had to do.
Now we fast forward to my grandmother's funeral in 2010, where I see my father. Up until that day, I hadnt seen my father in over 10 years. I dont know what happened but it was like he vanished off the face of the earth. There are reasons how it started but I wont get into that right now. Well, anyway, he shows up. Here I'm thinking that I'm going to have some sort of relationship with the guy and after about a year(?) of having communication with my mother and myself, he just disowns me again. I mean, in some circles, I guess you would call him a "deadbeat dad." I dont know what I did to deserve being treated like that but it is what it is. I've phoned many times but get no response. Sent cards and whatnot but still nothing. Its like he wants nothing to do with me and frankly from a financial standpoint, I need his help, so right now, pardon my french, but it really sucks. So basically, its really my mother and me.
Now for some of you who know, my mother has to have hip surgery. She had to postpone it because she had to go back to work and doesnt get paid for sick time. Right now, like I mentioned, I have no job or money. I'm just very disgusted with the way my life turned out. I didnt think it would be this bad. I'd like to know if there will ever be an end in sight? I mean its just one thing after another. You know the old saying "when it rains, it pours," yeah, by this time, I'm pretty much drowning. I dont have a social life, per say, as I understand people have lives and responsiblites of there own. Believe me, I understand that. You have no idea how much I understand that. There are days where its harder than others. I mean all you do is work to pay bills. Thats not a life, thats existing. I just hope my life gets better sooner than later.
Fast forward to now. You guys know about my mom. But, tomorrow, it might be worse. As, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. It's just another day for me. Do you know that I've never had a Valentine's Day date. I've never had a New Year's Eve date. I've never had a date, period. Never had a first kiss. I don't think I'm a great catch or anything. I've never had a social life. I was always taking care of my family and I think lots of times I just didn't feel like going anywhere. Do you blame me? Your in a rut, for a month, 2 months, 6 months, a year etc. how can you be motivated to do anything? Now, I haven't really thought about Valentine's Day for obvious reasons as I'm worrying about how to pay the bills. I get along with Women. But when it comes to dating or going out, they could do a lot better. Something I have to do once I get settled is find me a woman or women. :)
It's just when you add up everything from my grandparents, to my mom to now being lonely, it's just very tough and very frustrating. I know I never thought of myself as an adonis or anything but I never thought of myself as ugly but sometimes I feel that way. Facebook has the "On this Day" notifications and almost everyone from today, Feb. 13, said the same thing. Me being alone. I think what really hurts sometimes is that I don't think a Woman has ever been interested in me. As a friend? Yes. But as anything else? No. I mean being dateless for Valentine's Day hasn't really bothered me this year. How can it? What I've been thinking about has taken up all my time. But, if you ask me if it bothers me, I will say yes. And, I appreciate it all the support I've received the past couple of months. And I appreciate the invites to hang out. And once all this over, we will hang out. I just don't want to be a third wheel or a fifth wheel. There also comes a time where its great to have friends but it would be nice to at least try to have a girlfriend.
I guess the point of this blog was to just say that I've been through a lot of stuff. Realizing now, that not only helping my grandparents and my mom then them passing away and now this. So, I ask the original question now just like I did in 2014. "Will Life Ever Break for Me?"
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