As you guys know, I've had it rough. You guys remember me blogging about this:http://superbowlgreatness.blogspot.com/2018/02/the-name-of-this-blog-says-it-all.html. Don't forget about this onehttp://superbowlgreatness.blogspot.com/2018/02/valentines-day-2018.htmland don't forget about this one http://superbowlgreatness.blogspot.com/2018/03/this-might-be-hardest-post-ive-ever.htmll(If you haven't read all of them, when you get chance, take a look. And also click on the ads. I get .00001 cents when you do, can you say score??!!)
Well, anyway, this is more of a personal one. As you may or may not know, I haven't had many girlfriends. As a matter of fact, I've never had one. I've never been on a date, with the exception of The Junior Prom, but that was as friends, I've never kissed a woman. I haven't even been close. The funny thing, I get along great with women. I can be funny and talk to them but when it comes to romance, they've done wayyy better than me and who can blame them. The thing of all this is that I don't think I've ever had a woman have a crush on me. I'm trying to remember over the years but I don't think so. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I know I'm not attractive or A Greek God but I thought by now I wouldn't have steady girlfriend but at least date one. Even though, they don't know, I don't plan getting married or having kids. When I think what I've gone through already, I just can't do it anymore. I can't give up anymore of my life.
I just never thought as myself as attractive. I remember a few times growing up in School and someone would say "so and so likes you." I never fell for that for a minute. I knew damn well it was a joke. You look at what I can give a woman and there's really nothing. I'm unemployed at the moment. I have no Driver's License. I have a Mental Illness. I can't do a lot things guys can do. I don't even know how to swim. I just feel like I'm a loser. And I wouldn't want anybody's pity or anything nor would I want to be a 3rd or a 5th wheel. With everything else going on in my life, this is just one more thing.
Honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin. A Dating Site? I don't know. Are they free? I know this is kind of depressing but I have no confidence in myself. I know that women would rather be with somebody else. I'd be lying if I said I didn't mind my alone time because I think everybody needs some alone time once in a while. It's just I have nothing to offer a woman. I have nothing in common with them. But then you might say "Well, what about on Facebook etc." That's true but I've known you women for years.
It would be nice, though, to kiss someone at Midnight on New Year's Eve or spend Valentine's Day with somebody or kiss somebody under The Mistletoe at Christmas. I just don't know how to go about things. I've always felt I was kind of ugly. You can probably understand that sometimes I need a rocket up my ass to get going. Do you blame me? There are days, weeks when I wake up in the morning and know it won't get better until I go back to bed at night. I just don't know what to do next. It HAS to get better, right? Right?
Friday, March 23, 2018
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
This might be the Hardest Post I've ever Posted
Sometimes things happen for a reason. That certainly happened to me just moments ago. As you know, I applied for SAGA Assistance recently. I mentioned it on Facebook. But, what I didn't know is that it was for people with Medical/Mental Issues. Well, the truth is that I have a Mental Illness. I have OCD, voices and Hallucinations. I guess it started with me back in the year 2000. I was just starting College and I read The Southern CT. State University Handbook. When I read it, it triggered something in me. I don't know what but from then on I would reread things over and over again and just do simple tasks over and over again. Basically, it would be like if your driving to work and you picture that you left the stove or the iron on. So what do you do? You go all the way back home and see that the stove and the iron wasn't on. But, but, in your mind, in your head, you could literally see the stove and iron on but it wasn't. And that's me, 24/7, 365. I would get all these bad images and pictures in my mind and all these bad thoughts it was very hard. But I just kept going along day by day. I really don't want to get into all the different things and whatnot. Plus, I really can't remember of all them. An example would be that if I saw an American Flag, I'd have to look at it walking by because in my mind, if I didn't, I would be disrespecting America.
Another thing would be I would reread things over and over again. If it was an article about Cancer or somebody died, I would reread it over and over again because in my mind if it read it once or skimmed it, I felt like I was being disrespectful to the article, like I didn't care, which as you all know is totally dead wrong. But I kept going day by day. In Feb. 2009, I went to a Career Counselor because I needed a job at the time. He's a good friend of mine and he knew my father and my mother, ironically, remembered him. Well, as time went on trying to get a job, my OCD/Hallucinations/Voices got worse. In fact, in late July 2009, I had a bad thought every day for a week and it bothered me. So, on August 8,2009, I called my Career Counselor, hysterical in tears, because I couldn't take it anymore. The thing is as he assured me, I remember one thing he said. He said that he didn't know what it was. It could be anything. Was it my blood, was it the food I was eating? Then he said something to me that still resonates to this day. He said you could be hospitalized or go to a half way house or something like that.
The good news out of all this is that I went and still go to therapy. The fact is I haven't seen my Career Counselor or my Psychiatrist in a while for obvious reasons. I do take medication that helps me try to focus although it's hard sometimes just doing simple things like reading an article. Anybody who knows about OCD, Voices or Hallucinations or if you look it up, I've probably had it. It's been very hard for me the past decade and now with My Grandparents and now My Mother gone, it's hard. Big Y knows about my disability but this job is part time. That's why I'm trying everything I can to get disability, SAGA, SNAP and anything else.
I know I probably should've mentioned this earlier but I couldn't. My Career Counselor and talked about that and he mentioned that maybe you guys would get scared or couldn't help me because your not doctors. Or maybe you'd keep your distance from me because it's not easy to admit or talk about. I don't want this to define me. Let me be the guy that knows about sports. Let me be the guy that knows all The Super Bowls and gives you The Super Bowl Fun Fact of The Day. Most days it's hard for me to read articles just because I read them over and over again. Sometimes, I have to shut the television off to concentrate. I do things over and over again. Like on my digital cable guide, they have the show and the synopsis of it. I read that over and over again just because if it's a serious topic I don't want to think I'm being disrespectful by skimming or glancing at it.
I'm glad I did this. It was very cathartic for me. And it helps me. I just hope you guys look at me as you used to. I don't want to be defined as "Jack, who has OCD, Hallucinations etc" but as Jack, the guy who knows about Sports and The Super Bowls."There is nothing you can do except support me and be my friend.
Another thing would be I would reread things over and over again. If it was an article about Cancer or somebody died, I would reread it over and over again because in my mind if it read it once or skimmed it, I felt like I was being disrespectful to the article, like I didn't care, which as you all know is totally dead wrong. But I kept going day by day. In Feb. 2009, I went to a Career Counselor because I needed a job at the time. He's a good friend of mine and he knew my father and my mother, ironically, remembered him. Well, as time went on trying to get a job, my OCD/Hallucinations/Voices got worse. In fact, in late July 2009, I had a bad thought every day for a week and it bothered me. So, on August 8,2009, I called my Career Counselor, hysterical in tears, because I couldn't take it anymore. The thing is as he assured me, I remember one thing he said. He said that he didn't know what it was. It could be anything. Was it my blood, was it the food I was eating? Then he said something to me that still resonates to this day. He said you could be hospitalized or go to a half way house or something like that.
The good news out of all this is that I went and still go to therapy. The fact is I haven't seen my Career Counselor or my Psychiatrist in a while for obvious reasons. I do take medication that helps me try to focus although it's hard sometimes just doing simple things like reading an article. Anybody who knows about OCD, Voices or Hallucinations or if you look it up, I've probably had it. It's been very hard for me the past decade and now with My Grandparents and now My Mother gone, it's hard. Big Y knows about my disability but this job is part time. That's why I'm trying everything I can to get disability, SAGA, SNAP and anything else.
I know I probably should've mentioned this earlier but I couldn't. My Career Counselor and talked about that and he mentioned that maybe you guys would get scared or couldn't help me because your not doctors. Or maybe you'd keep your distance from me because it's not easy to admit or talk about. I don't want this to define me. Let me be the guy that knows about sports. Let me be the guy that knows all The Super Bowls and gives you The Super Bowl Fun Fact of The Day. Most days it's hard for me to read articles just because I read them over and over again. Sometimes, I have to shut the television off to concentrate. I do things over and over again. Like on my digital cable guide, they have the show and the synopsis of it. I read that over and over again just because if it's a serious topic I don't want to think I'm being disrespectful by skimming or glancing at it.
I'm glad I did this. It was very cathartic for me. And it helps me. I just hope you guys look at me as you used to. I don't want to be defined as "Jack, who has OCD, Hallucinations etc" but as Jack, the guy who knows about Sports and The Super Bowls."There is nothing you can do except support me and be my friend.
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