Wednesday, March 14, 2018

This might be the Hardest Post I've ever Posted

Sometimes things happen for a reason. That certainly happened to me just moments ago. As you know, I applied for SAGA Assistance recently. I mentioned it on Facebook. But, what I didn't know is that it was for people with Medical/Mental Issues. Well, the truth is that I have a Mental Illness. I have OCD, voices  and Hallucinations. I guess it started with me back in the year 2000. I was just starting College and I read The Southern CT. State University Handbook. When I read it, it triggered something in me. I don't know what but from then on I would reread things over and over again and just do simple tasks over and over again. Basically, it would be like if your driving to work and you picture that you left the stove or the iron on. So what do you do? You go all the way back home and see that the stove and the iron wasn't on. But, but, in your mind, in your head, you could literally see the stove and iron on but it wasn't. And that's me, 24/7, 365. I would get all these bad images and pictures in my mind and all these bad thoughts it was very hard. But I just kept going along day by day. I really don't want to get into all the different things and whatnot. Plus, I really can't remember of all them. An example would be that if I saw an American Flag, I'd have to look at it walking by because in my mind, if I didn't, I would be disrespecting America.

Another thing would be I would reread things over and over again. If it was an article about Cancer or somebody died, I would reread it over and over again because in my mind if it read it once or skimmed it, I felt like I was being disrespectful to the article, like I didn't care, which as you all know is totally dead wrong.  But I kept going day by day. In Feb. 2009, I went to a Career Counselor because I needed a job at the time. He's a good friend of mine and he knew my father and my mother, ironically, remembered him. Well, as time went on trying to get a job, my OCD/Hallucinations/Voices got worse. In fact, in late July 2009, I had a bad thought every day for a week and it bothered me. So, on August 8,2009, I called my Career Counselor, hysterical in tears, because I couldn't take it anymore. The thing is as he assured me, I remember one thing he said. He said that he didn't know what it was. It could be anything. Was it my blood, was it the food I was eating? Then he said something to me that still resonates to this day. He said you could be hospitalized  or go to a half way house or something like that.

The good news out of all this is that I went and still go to therapy. The fact is I haven't seen my Career Counselor or my Psychiatrist in a while for obvious reasons. I do take medication that helps me try to focus although it's hard sometimes just doing simple things like reading an article. Anybody who knows about OCD, Voices or Hallucinations or if you look it up, I've probably had it. It's been very hard for me the past decade and now with My Grandparents and now My Mother gone, it's hard. Big Y knows about my disability but this job is part time. That's why I'm trying everything I can to get disability, SAGA, SNAP and anything else.

I know I probably should've mentioned this  earlier but I couldn't. My Career Counselor and talked about that and he mentioned that maybe you guys would get scared or couldn't help me because your not doctors. Or maybe you'd keep your distance from me because it's not easy to admit or talk about. I don't want this to define me. Let me be the guy that knows about sports. Let me be the guy that knows all The Super Bowls and gives you The Super Bowl Fun Fact of The Day. Most days it's hard for me to read articles just because I read them over and over again. Sometimes, I have to shut the television off to concentrate. I do things over and over again. Like on my digital cable guide, they have the show and the synopsis of it. I read that over and over again just because if it's a serious topic I don't want to think I'm being disrespectful by skimming or glancing at it.

I'm glad I did this. It was very cathartic for me. And it helps me. I just hope you guys look at me as you used to. I don't want to be defined as "Jack, who has OCD, Hallucinations etc" but as  Jack, the guy who knows about Sports and The Super Bowls."There is nothing you can do except support me and be my friend.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jack, the best advice that anyone ever gave me was to write it down, say it out loud and then let it go! Yeah, I know. It sounds so easy, but you're putting your emotions out there in the open and I applaud you 100%! Hang in there and live your life the best way that you can!


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